"The moment we [Africans] lost our languages was also the moment we lost our bodies, our gold, diamonds, copper, coffee, tea." - Ngugi wa Thiong'o

Gen. Obasanjo’s Tantrums and His Mother’s Response

Usually, children throw tantrums when they can’t have what they want or when what they have has been taken away from them. At least, as a parent or guardian you know why the child is irritated.

Accordingly, Gen. Obasanjo, Nigeria’s big baby has been throwing tantrums recently. And his mother (Nigeria) seems not to be sure why her ‘beloved son’ is irritated.

The only clue Obasanjo has shown why he’s irritated is that while crying he’s pointing towards Aso Rock Presidential Villa. As Ndigbo say: whenever a child is pointing to a direction while crying; if his father is not there his mother will surely be there.

But Obasanjo’s mother (Nigeria) appears to be very unhappy with him now. She said to him; since that Oyibo man (Britain) left me in 1960, after leaving your father for him, I have remained a single mother and I have never known peace.

I am not the first woman that had children for different fathers. Please you people should not kill me. I don’t know what your problem is.

Well, in order to understand what Obasanjo’s problem is, the following dialogue ensued between ‘mother and child’ – apologies to Sunny Okosun.

Mother (Nigeria): why are you angry?
Obasanjo: … still crying; continue to point towards Aso Rock Villa
Mother: you can’t go back to occupy Aso Rock if that’s what you are crying for. You only came out from the property about 8 years ago. Moreover, you have other siblings that are just as entitled to the property.
Obasanjo: raised his voice - who told you I left the Villa in the first place? For your information, when my brothers didn’t allow me to extend my stay at the Villa I left my toy in charge of the house.
Mother: did you say toy; I thought your half-brother Jonathan is living there now?
Obasanjo: you can call him my half-brother but as far as I am concerned he’s my toy. In fact, I left 2 toys when I was leaving. I knew one of them was very faulty and that it’ll pack up soon, of which it has. And so, I took the remote control of the other toy, which was in a better condition, to my OTA farm.
Mother: why did you do that to your siblings?
Obasanjo: so that I will be controlling the place from my house since none of them can manage the Villa without me. You know; I am the only knowledgeable child amongst all your children. But now; it is either I have lost communication with the toy in Aso Villa or it is malfunctioning. So I need to go and ascertain what’s wrong and fix it if possible.
Mother: but you told FT of London that you are supporting your other half-brother, Gen. Buhari to go and live in the Villa. So stop bothering yourself when Buhari gets there he’ll see what’s wrong.
Obasanjo: Mama! Was that all you heard? Didn’t you also hear that I told Channels TV that I did not unendorse or endorse anybody?
Mother: OBJ my son; are you now telling me you didn’t mean what you told FT in London?
Obasanjo: Oh! Mama; even if you are told in your dreams that I, Olusegun Obasanjo will join others in allowing Buhari to move into Aso Rock; so you will believe it?
Mother: why wouldn’t I believe it, is Buhari not your half-brother?
Obasanjo: exactly what I am saying. Buhari is my half-brother as you say, but he’s not my toy. I need a remote controlled toy in the Villa that I will be controlling from OTA farm.
Mother: but you can make Buhari your toy.
Obasanjo: Ah! Mama; it’s not possible. Buhari is Bola Tinubu’s toy.
Mother: if that’s the case; you can share Buhari with Tinubu.
Obasanjo: Mama; let me ask you; does Tinubu look like somebody who will share his toy with another person?
Mother: he’s your brother; you share one father (Oduduwa) with him so it will be easier for you.
Obasanjo: no oh! It will not be easier. By the way, who has he shared his Lagos toy (Fashola) with? I am even unable to touch his Abeokuta toy (Amosun), which is very close to me; how much more a toy that will be in Abuja.
Mother: but who told you that Buhari will become Tinubu’s toy at Aso Villa?
Obasanjo: Haaaa! The signs are there; Buhari told the whole world through CNN that the name of his political party is All Progressives Conference instead of All Progressives Congress.
Mother: that was probably a slip of the tongue.
Obasanjo: really? Okay; he told Al-jazeera that INEC means; Independent Nigeria Electoral Commission instead of Independent National Electoral Commission. Now, what do you call that? A slip of the mouth I guess?
Mother: you know these things and you still confirm to the world that Buhari has School Certificate.
Obasanjo: esprit de corps.
Mother: what is exactly the cause of the rift between you and Jonathan?
Obasanjo: He is weak.
Mother: Yeah! I had similar problem with Ijaw his father. As a fisherman, he was very layback especially after drinking Ogogoro (Gin). Whatever the case, remember that Jonathan’s brothers supported the rest of my children against Ndigbo, their half-brother during Biafra war.
Obasanjo: I know but I am talking about my interest.
Mother: Oh! You are not even talking about how I will survive.
Obasanjo: Mama! you must allow me to go to the Villa and fix my toy otherwise I will be finished if somebody else gets there before me.
Mother: I didn’t know that you are this selfish. Please I am having a lot of headache, how can I reconcile you and Jonathan before you people kill me.
Obasanjo: well, let Jonathan send that drug baron (Buruji) to America. He should also stop talking to that Baba that lives in Minna; remember that I didn’t add Ngida. Fela no vex oh!
Mother: is that all?
Obasanjo: erm; erm; erm; Jonathan should check his battery to know why my remote control is not working. If possible, let him replace the batteries so that I will be controlling him from my OTA farm.
Mother: okay, let me talk to Jonathan but I doubt it if the rest of your half-brothers will accept these conditions.
Obasanjo: talk to him before 28th March before your children decide who will occupy Aso Villa.
Mother: I think it will be better we allow them to decide
Obasanjo: WHAT???